Why did this have to happen the week we have 7 groups including a doctors/dentist group, in total 115 people? That question reverberated in my head as I lay on the couch reveling in my own pity party. Meanwhile, people kept popping in to check on me, asking if I needed anything – food, water, a book, my purse, etc. At the time, I was so focused on my own frustration that I failed to recognize the incredible outpouring of love people were trying to give me.
Sometimes I joke about how I have weak ankles and how they give out every now and then, and it’s really awkward when I fall for no reason. Unfortunately this joke turned into real life, and I rolled my ankle this past Monday. The first time I rolled it was my junior year at Rockhurst and, oh my, had I forgotten how badly it hurts. My initial reaction was to shout out a few choice words (which I refrained from, thank you very much) and then hop to the back room with an ice pack in hand. As I sat on the couch, the reality of what had just happened set in, and I realized I was no longer going to be very useful this week. I was pissed, for lack of a better expression. I was so upset that, first of all, I wouldn’t be able to go work on Boni’s house – a construction site I’d been at the past 3 weeks. Then I felt horrible that I wasn’t going to be helpful to Heather as she answered guests’ questions and got everything prepared for breakfast.
Around lunchtime, I told myself – enough is enough. (You can only allow yourself so much wallowing in a day.) I started to reflect on the morning and realized the multitude of blessings I had received since my ever-so-ungraceful fall. Yes the day had been hectic and yes the Mission was short a volunteer, but it went on to be a successful day. Yet, my own stubbornness had held me back from accepting and embracing the love that people kept sending my way.
I wanted to be helpful, not hurt. Strong, not vulnerable. I don’t know where this mentality originated from - the one that tells us we have to have everything together at all times. We shouldn't allow ourselves to be weak and we certainly don’t ask for help. This mentality is draining and the goal of complete independent perfection is simply unachievable. But most of all, it blinds us to the beauty of accepting help, accepting love, being human.
We’re always hardest on ourselves, but sometimes you just have to cut yourself some slack and say I can't do it. And poco a poco - bit by bit, I'm learning that's okay. So here’s to learning to accept more love from others and learning to love ourselves - weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and all.